Quiet Thoughts From a Loud Mind

Middle Earth. Westeros. Hogwarts. Azeroth. All of these and many more fantasy locations exist in a place with sand that toes cannot dig into. Depending on who you talk to they will have hours, days, weeks, months or years spent mentally dove headfirst into these other worlds.

Wonderfully vibrant worlds where one can completely immerse and lose themselves. Places and spaces that judgement and rules of modern society fail to reach. Where a haircut, make up or mask may alter your physical look your being is still the same. When your skin crawls like a million ants beneath the surface begging to escape reprieve can be found.

In our lives we may find those fantasy worlds in someone else. Often times anxiety will eat at preconceived notions and thoughts that other opinions may have clouded judgment of anyone. Those toxic mental demons will convince you that attention is fabricated and you’re a freak given time time of day like a sideshow act to generate a dose of serotonin to those deserving.

Staring in the mirror, black holes for eyes, eliminating all visible light; allowing only the darkness and worst thoughts to pass. I am just a freak. Parasitic though processes eating away at the shreds of confidence remaining. We all need an escape that reminds us we are more than our perceptions.

From video game worlds, to books, movies and more; solace exists. Finding honest reprieve in another human seems impossible yet my experience has found that micro victories. Small encounters with people you value on the highest pedestal when in reality you’re on the same level. The wrong lens can maximize or minimise a subject into idealised fiction. I’ve found even the most beautiful people can find a smudge of ink on the mona Lisa.

Don’t kill me, just help me run away. From everyone, I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face. Freak – Surf Curse

Late on a cold, snowy night you walk from your car to the front entrance of the apartment building while your glasses slowly lose focus as snow finds its home on the lens. All around you the lights from garages, street lights and high up building lights cause shadows to dance as though it was their time to come alive.

Through the windows on your face the now water streams down streaking your view as those shadows find freedom in the dark. The mute forms mimicking movements of the world, never truly finding their own voice.

Shadows magnify behind strong objects when light is applied. In the brightest light our shadows try their hardest to be seen. Always hiding behind the view, afraid of the brightness that threatens their very existence. In the purest darkness they hide everywhere and in full light they exist only beneath rocks and hibernate waiting for dull moments when they peer out and once more follow you.

Never will you outrun your shadow. I’ve learned from a crawl to traveling on a large commercial jet at 580 miles per hour they will always keep up. Never can one truly escape their shadow. The darkness is always close, creeping in out of view and out of mind. Acknowledge the light and use its radiant glow to move on. The closer you get, the more your shadow shrinks. The darkness turns from a large vague outline to a scared dark spot, now with tables turned, running from you.

The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink. I can’t drown my demons they know how to swim. Parasite Eve – Bring Me The Horizon

Why is it that when we’re given a moment of freedom or a second of individualism do we race for monotony?

Anxiety regarding how others feel can eat me apart. Tear at my insides and claw millions of small deep cuts burning more and more as you try to stomach them. If a way to physically armor yourself up would some how stop those un foreseen internal violent attacks.

Some times I find myself more worried about how the risk will effect me than the elation of reward. The idea that at some point I will be defeated. There are battles every day that people have to have. Those tiny battles of self doubt have no rational need to be there. Taking a moment to appreciate that it’s normal to be unsure is how we all are.
People really are all just out here trying to figure out why the fuck we’re here instead of living the short life we’re given.

Physical aches and pains are easier to see but emotional and mental health are just as important. Sometimes the quick fix approach is as absolutely disgusting as mid 2000’s NyQuil was. I promise you it tasted a thousand times worse but worked like a charm. The slow moving neon liquid that coats everything it touches. The tiny plastic cups were always stained for 2-3 rinses. The absolutely horrible immediate taste that makes you physically cringe. Water or attempting to rinse it away are a waste of time.
Learning lessons non physically are similar. Sometimes you have to swallow a tough pill.
It might taste horrible and you won’t want to take it. The natural reaction is to get this out asap, it’s not comfortable. Well, tilt your head back and take the lesson.

Boom. They were not worth it. They did not deserve you. You did everything absolutely perfect. There is nothing you could’ve done differently.
Keep being the best version of yourself. Don’t forget to remember how valid and full of value you are.

Remember, promises are only valid for the moments they’re made in.

People will always try to take advantage of what you have. The gifts that you have, even if you think you’re talentless, I guarantee you someone finds one of your talents admirable.
If that’s nothing more than sticking by to learn a talent and move on or need a shoulder for a moment well fuck… that’s all we’re given.
You aren’t promised the next moment.
You ARE promised THIS moment.

What are you going to do NOW to change the future?
The past can never be changed, but the future and the lessons you’ve learned can enrich what’s yet to come.

Life’s too short to even care at all – Cough Syrup – Young the Giant

Inside of a packed bar, elbow to elbow with the house band playing volume turned up to eleven few things can be understood. Your best friend half drunk controlling his wife from belting out the lyrics to “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion leans over spitting a bit in your ear to say “She’s Here”.

No longer does belting of a Canadian pop icon echo. No more does the shuffling and stiff elbows to the side cause pain. The smell of over priced IPAs drenching your arms is gone. The soft hum and long tunnel slide into view. Her friends give you the look yet she doesn’t turn a cheek. Downing your drink you try to pretend it’s nothing. Go back to giving in to Celine Dion working her sweet vocal ivories.

As if on a sugar rush you feel your heart beating in your finger tips. Neurons firing at record pace. Sitting there afraid of being seen. That maybe it’s nothing and you could talk and it would be fine? Either way, slamming that drink might look cool but now you’ve got to take a leak.

Walking to the bathroom straightening up your shirt walking confidently really feeling yourself and deciding ya know what? I’m a bad ass anyone would be lucky to… There she is walking right towards you. Do you look at her? Do you interrupt the conversation with someone who looks better, dances better, has a better beard and probably can do a kickflip?
No.
You trip on your own foot and stumble into the bathroom.

You can hear the roaring cackle and her coven of friends cackle at you as random people in the bathroom ask if you’re okay. You’ve driven hours to help fix a flat. You’ve gone golfing with her dad. None of that matters now. You’re the idiot who just tripped over his own feet.

Regardless of how dumb you feel. That doesn’t make the experiences you once shared less valid.
She may laugh at you, but she loves herself more than before you. She’s still wearing the necklace you gave her to remind her that she’s never alone.

Even if the big hooks don’t sink in, the smallest ripple can cause a tsunami.

Told myself that you were right for me.
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember. Gotye – Somebody That I used to Know

Spooky season is upon us once again and so will the endless reruns of every classic horror movie. So often the killer is slow and methodical. You sit back watching and calling the cast idiots for not noticing something you so easily spotted a mile away. You tell yourself “I would NEVER be so stupid!”. Yet, the killer still gets to everyone.

The slow dripping bleed out of the story. From the humble beginnings to emotional bonds to the perpetual valid fear of the eventual ending of everything. Slowly getting closer why the struggle to run away becomes more and more strenuous. The collected pain rusting away the body. When the stories from within and the miles put in are lost forever. Leaving behind a melted shell. A worn husk of what once was.

The hope is that it makes it that far. Just as in those horror movies, what would happen if the moment the first character died you stopped watching? Wouldn’t be much of a movie. That is unless the story was so full of action early that it’s remembered. Which is really hard to have happen as everyone expects a full runtime movie.

Don’t forget to love whoever it is you’ve got around.
Try your best not to be afraid to be vulnerable, because nothing is forever.

The truth of it is? Your story comes and goes. Chapters open and chapters close. Except the book doesn’t always get completed.


I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The Fray – How to Save a Life

Make a wish is a foundation created to appease affluent people who feel guilty.

Being buried in everything from grief to debt it’s really a flaunt of wealth when you’re shown a glimpse of life. The biggest lie of them all is that it’s all to help. Somehow the same belief that if you put on a band aid on an ugly scrape will stop bleeding and heal the wound. This simply masks an issue and makes you ignorant towards an issue for awhile. Until the band aid decays and the hidden skin has either healed itself while you looked a different direction or it will have festered.

Imagine a man on the ground with a broken leg. Clearly splintered two directions. Would you try to pick this man up off the ground and just expect him to walk? When he falls right back down and the pain from falling back down causes even more pain… Will you be there to help them, or will they became another person you used to know. A homeless man you walk past pretending to give a fuck about your phone or somehow the unchanged skyline has caught your complete attention.

People will care JUST enough to appease themselves and fill the void inside.
Finding a way to relieve that guilt.

It’s genuinely impressive how little of a fuck people actually give. How you get the “call me whenever” message but never get called. How you get the “I love you” but when your response to how’s it going has been “it goes” or “another day in paradise, right?”.

When the “What’s Up?” has been the exact same fucking answer for weeks. Months. But no reading between the lines happens.

I hate to sound as pessimistic as it sounds but genuinely… YOU hold the answers. Those big questions? Maybe someone might shine some light to make the view easier to see. Brighter for your eyes to see those answers hiding in plain sight. In the end, it comes down to you. People will help you when they WANT to. Not necessarily when you NEED it.



Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round – The Beatles ~ Help

I remember how you used to push me on the swings and i’d laugh telling you I was gonna shoot right over one day and make a full rotation. I never did manage to do that.

You used to be so proud of me. We used to go to Barnes and Noble and sit in the music section scanning cd’s to listen to the clips and see what we liked. They got rid of those now.

We used to sing NOW That’s what I call music CDs. Find the most obscure music or some crazy radio popular song and we’d jam to it. They’re on NOW 108! Who would’ve thought from those first couple they’d make it this far. I wish I could show you.

Remember when i’d wake up early to watch Pokemon? When you’d join me or record it when I fell asleep? Well most of my T-Ball games were recorded over. Whooooops! I was just sitting in the back sifting sand through my glove anyways.

I wish I could’ve been enough help. I wish I had understood your struggle and worked to help build you up. Instead my fear took over and I was scared. I’m still scared. Everyday i’m so fucking scared. I’ve learned addiction and coping mechanisms took over your life and that was nothing I could control but I TRIED. I promise I tried my best. I wish I could try anything different but I can’t.

I’ll never know security like I once did. Having you always worried for me, concerned that I might scrape a knee or god forbit get in a fight. You wanted to protect me and I took that safety for granted. I will NEVER let anyone feel as alone as I let you. I wish I could take it all back. Go back to ice cream and mini golf. I always did suck at mini golf because I never got patient and you’d always let me win.

The willingness to lose, I never learned that. How can you be so selfless and want someone else to be as happy as you would make me? I assumed people all were that way. That being compassionate and being willing to always be there was enough. That people would appreciate that the way you did. That they would care. Always be there. Ask the hey, are you okay? But mean it. Or want to hear. Want to help me understand this. I’m so soo alone now.

Now I walk each step discovering the world for myself. Making craters and fissures around me as I walk heavy footed through this. I miss you so much mom. I’ll love you forever. And then some.

And I will love you, baby. Always. And i’ll be there forever and a day. – Bon Jovi ~ Always

Imagine for a second that you’re in a crowded train station. The sounds are a mixture of bustling people hurrying to get where they’re meant to be and the screeching cries of locomotives leaving the station. The non stop lights and sounds moving at speeds so fast you have no time to stop and listen.

Sitting back on your bench waiting for your train to arrive you can sit there on the cold uncomfortable metal bench watching what could have been and missed interactions. Slowly sinking into the chair time passes and suddenly there are no trains left on the tracks. The people who were once all around are gone. You’re left alone in a relic of what seemingly just was.

You might wander around noticing the gate you can through is completely covered. Somehow a new cement wall has been placed and there is no chance of going back. What do you do?

You’ve already missed the trains and there is no promise of return. Do you take off by foot on the tracks? Hoping even though you’re significantly slower you might one day catch up wherever it may have stopped? Or will you just find more stations abandoned by time and find yourself in the same situation.

Once you’ve taken steps on the tracks and start walking and realize this train goes through deep caverns and over tall mountains. There are no sidewalks just the one track. Traversing over a valley on a bridge you might look down and realize how far the fall seems. Maybe the water at the bottom will catch you. Keep you alive to start a whole entire new idea of what a path really means.

Or. Is this the exit sign you’ve been searching for. Is this final plummet in the middle of no where all alone the final exit to this long painful walk. The full body pains of dragging yourself along could end here. One step off and you fall seemingly endlessly until you hit peak velocity.

Finally only in those final moments should you really feel alive. The wind through your hair and the crisp cold air biting at your face as you spiral downwards towards the finis…..

Tired of feelin’ like I’m trapped in my damn mind
Tired of feelin’ like I’m wrapped in a damn lie
Tired of feelin’ like my life is a damn game
Really wanna die in the night time. ~ XXXTENTACION – Everybody dies in their Nightmares

Alone.
As a kid being alone after all of the other kids went inside meant I could run home, cuddle up on the couch and watch some Nickelodeon.
OR
If it was a really good day I could grab a towel and drape it across the floor in front of the tv and have cereal with milk and sit in front and watch shows while munching down some fruit loops.

Now when everyone goes away there is no where to run. The only place left is inside of you.
Really understanding that you hold the same value you’ve placed in others is a difficult task. That somewhere, someone thinks the same of you. They’re just running around blindly searching too. Sometime in life it hits.
Suddenly YOU are the reason you exist.


Stuck in a position looking for answers and help knowing that you must come up with the solution yourself.
While learning to do so, you realize quickly that you don’t know everything. Even if you might know calculus, the 16 year old burnout at Best Buy knows more about the basics of laundry machines and what the settings actually mean. Setting that shit on cold and letting it ride doesn’t cut it. You need others who know more than you to help.

Realize quickly that it’s okay not to know the answers.
Not in a cliche way either, literally everyone is an ignorant chimp until we take time to learn.

Life isn’t about knowing everything. It’s about knowing that it’s alright not to know everything.
It’s not about being social media perfect. It’s about knowing how to balance those peeks with the valleys.

I promise I will take lessons from everything you taught me Barbara Jean McNeal.
Forever will I be the caring, compassionate and bully fighter you raised me to be.

It’s my life, and it’s now or never. I ain’t gonna live for ever.
I just wanna live while i’m alive.
It’s MY life. ~ Bon Jovi – It’s my life